It's Like I Don't Even Know You

Dad, I know birthdays are supposed to be about happy thoughts and good memories but I think it is also a time for honesty. As I think back over the past and growing up with you as a father I have many memories, especially of our time in Germany. I know you were stationed there for military service and had previously lived there during your mission and also when your father was in the military. This should explain your ease of use of the German language and also your familiarity with the local customs. At the time, being very young, I did not notice anything unusual about how easily you were able to blend in with the locals.
As time went on and we moved back to the States, I assumed our family fixation with Germany and the customs, especially at holidays, was due to the time spent living there.
There has always been this running "joke" in the family, extended family, and even among close friends, that you are an operative for the CIA or some branch of U.S. intelligence operations. I think what this really implies is that we all know that you have something you are hiding, a double life if you will. I think I have known the truth for several years now but didn't want to admit it. I remember when we were living with you and mom and going out to the backyard to find this scene

You seemed surprised to see me and when I asked what you were doing you stumbled over your words and said "They are digging grav...garden holes, yeah that's it garden holes." 

I think it is time we dropped this charade because I know who you really are and now everyone will know. Here is the proof that shows once and for all your true history

Herr Manwaring

Just how old are you really? Dr. Mengle's proteges in Brazil must have really come up with some amazing gene therapy. I knew I detected a Portuguese accent to your German, I just dismissed it as the effects of prolonged exposure of the soft palate to Tabasco sauce. By the way, your mustache skills haven't improved in 70 years, and you call yourselves the master race.